Going to catholic schools for all but one year of my schooling, meant having to go to church constantly. My youngest memory of attending church that is clear would have been around the age of 9. I would have to walk from our house to church with my brother and the girl next door. My mother had stopped going all the time by now.
We use to go to St Joseph’s church and always sat on the right hand side at the back in a little alcove area. All the kids from school loved sitting in this spot as it was like a small-secluded area. The varnished pews had some graffiti on them – initials etched into the timber. The stained glass window in that area also had some etchings in the windowsill.
The sill was the same as the walls. I remember it was a soft cement type of substance, because if you scratched it, it was powdery. Yes I did try once, but was too scared to put my name or initials there for fear of being found out. But I remember the thrill of just scratching.
This area was so appealing as most that sat there like myself hated going to church. It was extremely boring and the only time it was ever livened up was when a classmate of mine – Madeline and her sisters use to play the violins at mass. How beautiful they could make the music sound. I was so envious of them and wished I could play like they did. They were very talented.
As I got older it was then “cool” to skip mass. Just hang out around the school next door until you saw everyone leaving. One of us would then run in and grab a newsletter to take home as proof we attended mass.
In high school we had to go to services during school times occasionally. I remember a monsignor died and we had to go to his funeral. Even thinking of it now it really was a cruel thing we were put thru. You see it was an open casket funeral. Here were girls ranging in age from 12 to 17 having to walk past this coffin with a dead guy lying there.
A lot of girls went into hysterics and started to cry. There was even a girl from an older grade than me who fainted. I was 14 at the time and swore I would never make anyone look at me when I was dead.
By the time I left home at 20 I had stopped going to church. It didn’t hold any appeal for me. Well actually that’s not quiet true, I still went at Christmas and Easter Sunday but that was more out of habit than anything else.
After Peter’s parents came back from their holiday overseas, church became an issue again. They were very strict Catholics and going to church every Sunday was a must. So Peter and I started attending again. If we missed a Sunday you could guarantee that they would ask if we went and poor Peter would get a lecture if we hadn’t.
We were lucky that when we were getting married the priest at the local parish to where I lived was our old school priest who knew us both. We told him we wanted in and out in 20 mins and we got what we wanted much to Peter’s family disgust of not having a nuptial mass wedding.
Our children were all baptized and made all their sacraments. We would take them to church and although not every week at times, they did attend a lot. As they have gotten older we have left it up to them to decide if they wish to go or not.
One significant time was when Ryan stopped walking. He had a really hard time dealing with it and went through a hating God stage. Eventually he asked if he could talk to Father Dave our local priest. Father Dave came out and Ryan would go off and talk with him, telling him of his feelings and trying like all of us to find a reason as to why this was happening.
Father Dave was fantastic. Listening and giving Ryan the spiritual guidance he needed. He never judged Ryan for saying he hated God but just helped him through a very difficult time.
I suppose it was also this time that I also questioned why. If I attended mass, it was as if I was having a battle with God in my mind. I would be abusing him for letting us go through what we were, then to asking why and trying to find what message was there for us. I never got answers and often would be in the middle of mass and then get tears in my eyes.
When I started crystal therapy I was taught to connect with all of the spiritual masters, for example Jesus, Buddha, st germaine etc. I found myself reading more and more about different religions. I also found myself coming back to not so much religion but spirituality.
I developed my own beliefs instead of those drummed into me. If I was feeling scared I would talk to all of the masters asking for help, protection and guidance. I changed my belief of dying and going to heaven or hell to one where I believe we have to work thru stages in our lives. That we have to experience different situations such as being wealthy to being extremely poor, good health and poor health. That we work thru these experiences over a few different lives.
Meditation has also become a huge part of my life. I am lucky that I can visualize just about anything without even really having to try.
Having gone through this progression to get where I am now, also has meant that I am able to be more open with my children and what they might wish to believe or for that matter not believe.
If everyone can keep their mind and options open then they too can achieve a place were they are at peace with their beliefs
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