Feelings - autobiography

I have written a lot about the pass, so thought maybe I should write about something now before I forget and it becomes the past.

The older I get the more unsettled I become. I don't know if that is the right word for it. Its a combination of feelings. I guess loneliness is one. Yes I have some great friends, but my main communication with anyone apart from family is through the net. I don't regret any of the choices I have made in regards to family, but I don't get to   see others very often. When the kids were younger and at school or sport, that meant that every week, hell nearly every day seeing other adults and talking to them, even if it was just a quick 'hi'. Now I have a once a month meeting. Every Thursday seems to get so full of appointments I don't get to be able to see anyone then and weekends occasionally I have something on with friends, but they also have their families they need to catch up with since they all work. Unless someone is here with Ryan, I can't even just pop up to the shop.

Another feeling is resentment. This is the time in our lives that we had set aside to be able to do the things we wanted. To travel, get out and do the 'adult things' that so many parents put on hold until their kids are grown. It would be nice to just be able to say 'lets go out for dinner tonight' and go or even when you see an expo on that day that you didn't know about. It all takes strategic planning and not spur of the moment. Most of the time we can't do things together as a couple. My resentment is not towards Ryan, but towards the situation we are in.

And along with those feelings comes anger, sadness, and a lot of negativity.

On the flip side, our situation has also given us the black humour that we have. Lots of laughter and a lot of things we would never have experienced in life. We would never have gone to the Sydney Olympics or to the amazing holiday house on the Gold Coast or unit on the Sunshine Coast, if it wasn't for Ryan. If I wasn't sitting at home using the net to talk to the outside world, I would never have met some of the totally amazing people I have..... or the full on fruit cakes haha.

I have found that also the older I get, the less tolerant I am. I tend to say things and be up front with people, and some can find that confronting. I need to find a happy medium with myself. I need to get back into reading for relaxation. On a side note here - I don't buy any of the magazines, but I love going to the Dr's and reading them. They are normally months old and the crap they write in them, never seems to happen eg such and such is so happy in their marriage - and they are already divorced when you read it lol.

Anyway back to what I need to do. Meditate again, oh and maybe just run away from home. lol

empty nest

No one can say that being a parent is all fun and games. It is hard work and dedication to your children. There is laughter, tears, fun and times that you think “I love you but just don’t like you at the moment”.

I started my life as a parent on 24 hour call. Changing nappies, feeding, bathing, burping and cleaning up the projectile vomiting that made the exorcist look like a kid’s movie. No one told me that the 24 hour call never stopped.

I moved onto play dates, kindy, preschool and school. Mornings were a rush to get dressed, fed and school early for band or choir practice. Pick up from school was dancing, soccer training, and other sports. During the day was tuckshop, reading in classrooms and helping with where ever I was needed in the school. Weekends full of sport or going to eisteddfods.

So that’s the first 17 years!

I was always there to lend an ear, guide when it was needed and yes to scold and be the “bad” mum. They had smacks and cuddles, time out and fun times.

Then suddenly they are gone!

When they first go, you get the daily phone calls and get asked for advice. That tapers off and you get asked things sometimes. While you were once their confidant, it is now their partner. And while this is how it should be, you are now left with time and that big empty feeling.

All those years of wishing you had time for yourself is now here. But what the hell do you do now you have this time? There are only so many treatments you can get. You find that your friends are at different stages to you – they may have not been stay at home mums and work, or they might still have children at home and are busy with them. Going to courses by yourself seems so daunting and you feel too old to learn and compete with the younger generation.

You also start to think ‘were those women that gave you “that look” when you said you were a stay-at-home mum right?’ Should I have done more for myself and not been there for the kids?

Then I think of how happy they were when they competed in a game or eisteddfod. I also remember how happy other people’s children were that someone could take them because their parents were working and unable to get time off. And I think ‘no I wouldn’t trade it at all’.

So the feeling of a big empty hole doesn’t seem so deep now. And as I was writing this my baby boy rang me – he is 19 – asking if I could do something for him and yes! I am still needed and as he told me, appreciated.

I will find something for me to fill my time, but being a mum will always be number one, even if it is just in a revived, slightly smaller way.

Babysitting - autobiography

Its funny how things come to you at the strangest of times. Cleaning the carpet this morning and my mind wandering, I thought about my brother and sister. Most times when thinking of them, its remembering of when we were kids.

My sister is 7 years younger than me. We never had anything in common or ever did anything together. My brother was 2 years younger, so being closer in age we did do some things together. We use to ride dad's motorbike, ride our horses and had some of the same friends.

What I remember most though is the Christmas I was in year 7, so 1974. Dad was driving cement trucks at this stage and mum worked at Coward's butcher shop in Nicholas Street. That left us 3 kids at home by ourselves, with me having to look after the other two. If we did anything wrong, my sister would dob. Maybe that is why I did what I did. I locked her in the laundry and told her she was a black pom and couldn't come out until she scrubbed all the paint off. Of course she was let out before mum got home and dobbed.

I can't remember the other two ever getting the strap. I guess they did, but I can't recall any time they did. I do however remember getting it. Seemed like a week didn't go by that I had it wrapped around my bum. I got to the stage of putting on about 8 pairs of undies so it wouldn't hurt. It still did though.

I had to look after my sister every holidays then until I started work in 1978. Even then, once I had my licence my parents would go away for weekends, leaving me in charge of the other two and having to run them around. They did something wrong and I got into trouble for it, I did something wrong and I got into trouble for it. What a win/win situation for me!

When I had my kids, I was very careful not to put this type of responsibility on them. I didn't want them to have to spend their time looking after each other. They had their different friends, hobbies and sports. I also guess that is why - apart from Ryan - that I never went back to work. I wanted to be there for sports days, after school and for them to partake in activities that weren't just on weekends. They didn't turn out perfect by any means, but they know I am here if they need me. This has reminded me to post a story about empty nest I wrote a couple of months ago. lol