Wednesday, 13 March 2013

How much can a bear bear?

This is a whinge, but I need to get it down on paper - well in word form. So if you want to leave my pity party, now is the time to go.

Years ago a very dear friend said to me "You are never given more than you  can handle". I have always taken comfort in this and believe it to be true.

I look at my close family and know that they struggle and panic with son having asthma occasionally (not trivialising asthma as you will see). This is their level of what they can bear and that is fine.

Now while I might complain or use humour to cope, we normally get through things and come out the other side, because it isn't more than we can handle.

Today has me wondering, if maybe I have reached that limit. Will I be pushed to crack? Is this some sort of test? WTF did we do in a past life that we have to experience it this time around?

If you have read my past blogs, you will know of some of the medical things that we have been through, but here is a brief run down:-

1 ovary removed, 3 miscarriages, 1 ectopic pregnancy, 3 caesarians  1 hysterectomy (well another would be impossible) gall bladder removed, in hospital for a week with asthma that they didn't think I would come home from, diabetes, asthma, severe depression and a back that as my gp says "is fucked".

Now with the kids. All 3 had asthma. Jade had a couple of hospital visits with asthma. Troy for the first 5 years of his life, would go to hospital every 6 to 8 months to get grommets, had adenoids out twice and tonsils out. Due to this he had some speech problems and had to see a speech therapist. Before he was 2, he had tests for what they thought was epilepsy but which turned out to be cluster migraines. We were told he would either grow out of the or have them for life. Thankfully he grew out of them around the age of 8.

Peter had his tonsils out at around the age of 35. Ryan had his done when he was around 10. Then of course Ryan with DMD and all that goes with that - including losing all movement after his rods being done and the problems of his back opening up. And Ryan going to commit suicide when he was younger.

We had a painting business that at one stage had 3 lots of people in a row not pay, that crippled us and a worker that went up on a murder charge of killing his wife. God this all sounds like a bad novel.

So all of the above is a summary of 1985 until 2012. Then we have 2013.

I think that this year alone, has seen me cry myself to sleep more than the rest of my life combined.

We are still struggling from the dickhead that ripped us off in January. The same week that happened, Peter's work hours were cut in half by his boss. Peter had the breakdown, Ryan had breathing problems and somehow in all that was 'normal' life.

The latest is that Ryan is having panic attacks. He has valium, which I hope helps.

I feel hopeless to be able to help my family and keep us all on the even keel of life. I'm tired. So very, very tired of the fight. It always seems like, we crawl our way to a good place, then get kicked in the teeth, never having time to enjoy what is happening. It is also very hard to focus on the positive when the negative seems to swamp you.

I know I will be fine. I am seeing a psychologist who understands the battles we are going through, as she use to work for DSQ in Ipswich.

But you do really have to wonder, just how much can you bear and what happens when you crack your breaking point.

If you stayed and read all this crap, I can now tell you that yes it has helped to get it down and out there. I don't want hugs or sympathy or anything else. Just sharing the burden is more than enough for me. :)