Wednesday, 1 February 2012

weighty issues

Last night I was talking to someone who has had lap band done as well. He said some things which I have never voiced, but that has played and in a sense still plays on my mind.

He said that when he was at the 236kgs, he would only go to places to eat that had chairs with no sides. In fact all places he would think about the chairs, as he was scared of getting stuck in one.

While I have never voiced this until now, I too had those concerns. I wouldn't go to musicals as I felt that I encroached on the next person space. It also would run through my mind that I might get stuck and how embarrassing that would be. Its why I always book end seats where possible for shows even now. That way, I can lean to the empty side to give the person next to me space.

I wouldn't go for a massage, as I know the tables have weight restrictions and worried I would break it. I would never go to somewhere that I needed to change shoes to ones that laced up, because I couldn't tie them. I certainly wasn't going to ask anyone else to do it for me - except for family at home.

I wouldn't go out much, due to difficulties with some personal hygiene. Going out to eat, would mean sitting there, thinking that everyone was looking to see what the fat girl was getting to eat.

I won't wear an tops with no sleeves, unless I am around the house. My arms are terrible and huge. I make sure that if I do happen to be in a place where others can see me in my swimwear, that I am covered until that last minute of getting in the water and my towel is right beside the steps to grab when getting out.

People might say not to let what others thing get to you. But really, think about it. How many times have you been out and seen a person with crop top and muffin top over hipster jeans and commented on how wrong it looks? Or it might be someone covered in tattoos, giant holes in their ears, see through clothing, or even something simple like a black bra under a white top. How many times have you thought that someone needed to iron their clothes, wash their clothes, or that their skirt was too long, too short etc? People judge others. Its a fact and I know no one who doesn't do it.

What I do, is to try and make myself look less disgusting to others that might see me. I now am going for massages. Yes I still feel like a blob, but know that I am of a safe weight for their tables. Most of the times now, I can do my shoes up - only can't when my back is giving me hell. I am going to shows and musicals as well. I still feel self conscious, but not as much.

On the biggest loser recently (a show I think is wrong on so many levels), they did make a comment that I think a lot of people might of just fobbed off. It was about being too big to be operated on in a hospital if something serious happened to you. People might not realize how true this is. When I first decided on getting the band, I researched and decided on the doctor I wanted to do it. I got a referral to him and went along. He really wanted to do the operation, but the hospital he worked in, had a weight limit. They went on bmi (from memory it was around 45 or 50 bmi). I was 60+ bmi, so they wouldn't take me. Prior to this, when I had been taken to hospital for what they thought was my heart, the ambulance guys asked me how much I weighed, as they had a weight limit on the trolleys.

While I am a lot thinner, and can now go just about anywhere to buy clothes, I am on the inside still an extremely fat person. Even though I look in the mirror each day to comb my hair, I don't look in the mirror at my body. That happens very rarely. I am my biggest critic and my mind set still needs a lot of work on it.