I wasn’t an attractive girl, rather plain really. Dead straight mousy brown hair to my waist, hazel eyes, roundish face, not really thin nor overweight. Just there!
I was what you might call an “early bloomer” in regards to puberty. I was in year 5 and 10 years old when I got my first period. At the time there were 3 of us in my grade that had them and I remember feeling all grown up. For once superior to some of the “pretty” girls in my year level.
My periods were never regular so when in year 8 they stopped it should never have surprised anyone. But I think the events that followed had a strong influence on my values of years to come.
When I asked my mother to take me to the doctor to see why I had stopped menstruating she refused. You see my mother thought in all her wisdom that I must be pregnant.
Year 8 was my “wild” year at school. I started smoking, wagged school every second day, got into fights and generally just played up. But one thing I never did was have sex!
No matter what I said to my mother she wouldn’t believe me. In the end my father took me to the doctors. All the way in he was saying, “If you’re pregnant we will help you out. Its ok” I told my father I couldn’t be pregnant I had never had sex, but he wouldn’t listen as well.
The doctor explained that it was normal and they would return eventually. Even then I still don’t think they believed that I hadn’t of had sex.
Due to this attitude of my parents I was determined to prove them wrong and not have sex until I was married. This conflicted with the idea that I wanted a child at 15 so that there wouldn’t be a big age gap and that we would be best friends – oh and of course it would be a girl and never a father in sight. Yes naïve I know.
It was the waiting to have sex that won out.
Over the next few years it didn’t matter if I was getting drunk at 16 or smoking dope at 18 the answer was always no.
At 17 I started to hang out at the Strand Hotel in North Ipswich. Friday and Saturday nights were spent playing pool and getting drunk or smoking dope in the car park out back with the guys I hung out with. I always got on better with guys instead of girls. All the guys knew that with me, don’t bother trying.
When I was 19 I went to a gp who gave me a prescription for serapax. I can’t remember exactly why I had them but it didn’t take long to know that taking them with alcohol at a strong strength gave you a happy high.
One night I remember going back with some of the guys and a couple of other girls to the caravan park where one of them lived. Stupidly I was mixing serapax, alcohol and dope.
One of the guys asked me for a lift home to which I said yes. I don’t know what happened after that. All I know was coming to and we were parked at the end of the road where the caravan park was situated, I was sore and had no memory of even leaving the caravan park. I had a vague recollection of saying no over and over but didn’t know if that was a dream or not.
The next morning I noticed blood on my pants but was still confused. Later that day I went to the pub to find out that this guy had bragged about getting what he wanted and me putting up a fight.
I was upset but blamed myself. If I hadn’t stupidly taken drugs and mixed it with alcohol then none of this would of happened. The only thing I was grateful for was that I couldn’t remember any of it.
A few days later I had to go to the doctor. I had a discharge, was red and sore and so made an appointment. When I went in the doctor examined me and then said he thought I had an STD. As if that wasn’t back enough he then asked if my parents knew I was having sex and said he should ring them.
I went into a state of panic and told him he couldn’t, as I wouldn’t let him. I was so terrified of him telling them that I even rang him the next day to say he couldn’t say anything.
Thankfully he didn’t and when the tests came back it was a severe case of thrush. It was the last time that I ever saw that doctor. I couldn’t believe that without knowing the facts he could jump to the conclusions that I was just sleeping around.
Things changed after that. I got off the serapax and dope and took better control of my life.
It was probably about a year after that when I met Murray. Murray was the brother of a work mate and straight away we hit it off. He like me, loved the beach, had a great sense of humor and was very attentive.
It wasn’t long before we were sleeping together and the relationship was moving to be more serious. Murray asked me to marry him and I said yes. My parents on the other hand were horrified and asked that I wait until my 21st.
The only thing that worried me with Murray was that he didn’t have a job and never had. With myself always having had part time jobs when at school then onto a full time position it was something we ended up arguing about.
Murray finally decided to move down south as he was able to get a job there planting pine trees. The plan was he would do that for a few months to save some money then come back and get work in Qld.
He was back in a month saying he missed me. I got angry! I think for two reasons. The first that he didn’t even try and the second because I was having fun without the restrictions of him being around all the time. I let it go and soon it was time for my 21st.
We had a ring on lay by but unless I was willing to pay for it, it had to stay there since Murray had no money.
On the night of my 21st I was excited and happy. I was having a party at home with all my friends and family and Murray and a couple of his friends.
For my birthday Murray gave me a car stereo, which after the night I found out he got his best friend Danny to buy.
It was probably about 2 hours into the party when my brother and his girlfriend Maxine pulled me aside. My brother was furious; I had never seen him so angry. They told me that Murray had bailed up Maxine upstairs and put the hard work on her and tried to grope her.
I stormed up to Murray and asked him if it was true and he just laughed. The next moment the party came to a stand still. Imagine the birthday girl, crying and picking up a car stereo and throwing it at her boyfriend’s head at the same time screaming at him to “fuck off out of my life”.
Yep I really know how to throw a party, literally!
Danny dragged Murray away and the party broke up not long after that. I saw Murray only once after that. He came to where I was living a week after but I had 2 of my cousins staying with me and they told him in no uncertain terms not to come back.
After those couple of years I got to the stage of “why bother”. Why try and do the right thing just to be raped both physically and then emotionally. This led to another downward spiral but this time instead of drugs it was sex.
Looking back now I believe it was a power thing. I could use my body to get my own way and be in control. Married or single it didn’t matter. Some I can’t even remember their names. It was another destruction.
The reason this stopped was a cop I had known who turned up one day at my work, wanting me to take the rest of the day off to spend with him in bed. I realized then just what I had become and didn’t like it.
So another turn around was in order. This time working towards the person I wanted to become
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