Life is like ....

No truer words have ever been spoken, than the famous line from Forest Gump - Life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get.

This is one of my favourite movies. The life lessons are all through the movie, if you take your time to really watch it. But the above line is one of my favourites.

When you are at school, you most likely had 1 of 2 dreams. Either to get married and have kids, or to get a job, get rich quickly and travel. Now I have to say, looking back at the people I went to school with, well not many are rich. Some have done a little travel. One or two have done a lot of travel.

Now with those that dreamt of getting married and having kids, how many did life turn out like they thought? I bet not many.

My story was like that. I was going to backpack around the world, but never seemed to have the money to do so. I did have driving holidays that I loved doing.

When Peter and I got married the plan was for me to work a few years, then have 4 kids. Well we got married in June, got told in July that I might have to have a hysterectomy, but luckily at that stage they just took an ovary. But it meant starting to try for kids then.

We both had problems with fertility, so had to use fertility drugs. Three miscarriages and over 3 years later, we had Ryan. We started fertility drugs straight away and in less than 6 months, had an ectopic pregnancy. Again drugs and we had Jade. We decided that our 4 kids, would just be 2.

We had already decided that when the kids were older, they would be attending Sacred Heart School and that we would move back to the Sunshine Coast before they started high school.

Again life changed. I fell pregnant with Troy - our little miracle - then Ryan was diagnosed and we had to rethink schooling for them all. We also had to work out if moving back to the coast was the right thing to do or whether staying closer to specialist was better.

So instead of moving to the coast, we sold and built a house that would suit a wheelchair and be near the school that the kids would be going to. Instead of me going back to work, when the kids were at school. I had to be at home, to be able to go to specialists and therapist appointments. Oh and I did end up having that hysterectomy at 30.

With your kids, you plan on what activities they are going to do. I always said that I wasn't going to have a daughter who did dancing. Mainly because some I went to school with that did it, were a bit snobby. Well I bet its not surprise to hear that Jade danced for around 17 years.

I pictured Troy playing football. Well he played soccer and found success with tenpin bowling. But I do have a daughter that works at a football club. Guess that counts haha.

You think your kids will be at home until they get married and leave (and hopefully that is before they are 25), but that doesn't happen either. You imagine travelling when your older and having the money to have freedom to do what you want.

You learn along the way, that other couples on $100,000 or $200,000 a year or more, are no happier than you on your $40,000 a year. They also had their life planned out beforehand and had to change along the way.

So in reality, just about every damn chocolate you pick from that box, is in the wrong wrapper. And yes you will feel disappointed that it isn't the one you were expecting, but you adjust your thinking and enjoy the one you have.

People watching

While out and about today, I witnessed a guy riding a trike into the car park. This guy only had one arm. Thinking to myself, how wonderful it was that he could still ride and more than likely enjoy it. 

As I was leaving an hour or so later I passed his trike. His number plate was 'ugly'. I immediately thought 'how sad'. I wonder if that is how he sees himself? To me, I saw someone who was brave and enjoying life. 

It then brings me to one of my favourite hobbies when out - people watching. 

You can do it as you walk around, or sit in a shopping centre or park. I like to look at people and imagine what their life is like. 

One day I was at a restaurant and their was this old couple having lunch. The woman had trouble speaking and couldn't feed herself. The man with her - who I imagined was her husband - fed her and wiped her mouth after eating. He was very loving and caring with her and it was as if no one else in the world was there. You could see the love he had for her. It was very moving and you felt a bit like an interloper witnessing it. I imaged that they lived in their own little cocoon all their lives, madly in love.

When people watching, you can make up widely exaggerated stories about them. You might see a worn out mother dragging her screaming brat along and imagine she is going to get him home and gag him while he is tied up on the lounge, so that she can sit in peace and enjoy a cup of coffee. and sigh. 

You could imagine that the homeless man that you saw outside the art gallery, was really the artist wanting to see reactions to his work. The snooty woman, who pushed in front of everyone at the store, probably goes home to a household that ignores and pushes her around. 

So maybe the guy today, didn't think he was ugly, but it was just sad thinking that he might.

New and not so good

Well today I did some new things. I had decided to go on the Brisbane Eye and thought after going on the sky safari at Taronga Zoo that I would be fine. I was going to go on it at night first, as I figured then it wouldn't be so scary. Since we were at South Bank today, we decided to go on it.

I asked the woman when we bought our ticket if it rocked. She said 'no, not unless you make it'. She told me there was an emergency button and if you pushed it, they would get you off. I was nervous, but we got on and I started to take some photos with the camera. I could feel my nerves getting on edge a bit, as it was swaying and figured that I would just look straight ahead and I would be fine.

I took my eyes away from the camera and WHAM it hit me!! Panic surged through my body and I felt like I couldn't breathe. They were stopping us on the top to load in more people. I was gripping Peters hand so I didn't fall. I could only just get out to him 'push the button'. I was paralyzed with fear.

I can't remember it going down, only that when it got to the bottom, I didn't think it was going to stop. There was no way that I could of stayed on it for the 12 minutes you go on it for. I guess at least I can say, I went on it.

When we got off, the green rickshaw bikes were there. One asked if we were interested and so we said yes. Told him to take us where he wanted. lol. We went to GOMA where we had a drink.

Even though these 2 things weren't on my list. They were things I had said I wanted to do. So now we have. Nothing like pushing your comfort zone. While I might not do that again, I will still try to push my boundaries and live life.

God's Will

I was reading a book today that is full of true stories. A lot have to do with stories of faith and miracles.
I class myself as a Christian. I have my beliefs and I respect everyone's right to what they do or don't believe.

One story is about a family that have had a baby that is unable to breathe on his own. He has to have a lot of operations to try and drain fluid from his brain (which isn't fully developed). At different points in the story, doctors and nurses advise the parents that it might be kinder to take him off all machines and let nature take its course.

The mother gets hysterical and abuses them all, saying that he has to stay on the machines and that its not their choice to decide when/if he will die, its God's. Now I haven't finished this story, so do not know whether he lives or not at the moment.

Reading this bit though, made me feel angry. There are probably some deep psychological  reason for this, but on the surface what made me angry was their reason. They did not want doctors playing God and taking him off the machine! Isn't keeping him on the machines playing God?

There are people that will say their reasons for doing/saying things are because of God, but it only seems to be in situations that suit them at the time or as a 'God is in my argument so I am right'. Yes this mother would have acted on fear and would not be thinking clearly, but this has been written years later and the feelings of God is right is still strong in what is in the book.

Yes I know, a very controversial subject lol

Babies and journeys

Now last month I had the post up about how we found out about Ryan having Muscular Dystrophy. This is a follow on from then.

We had spent the 3 weeks from Ryan's blood test, going to specialists and then being told he had to have a muscle biopsy to see what type of MD he had. This ended up being scheduled for February 10th.

On this Monday, we had to take Ryan into St Andrew's private hospital on Wickham Terrace. Ryan would be going in for day surgery. In the ward were a lot of kids having their tonsils or adenoids out. I was trying hard to be brave and strong for our little man. I was fine until he was wheeled to theatre, then I fell apart.

The other mums wondering why this heavily pregnant woman was a blubbering mess, who had to be taken out of the ward by nurses, asked what was wrong. When they were told what Ryan was having done, it wasn't just me upset then, they were as well.

Ryan came through it all fine and I took him home to where our friend Colleen was watching Jade. Ryan was suppose to rest, but the anaesthetic sent him hypo and he just kept running around and wouldn't stay still.

We would not get the results from this for a couple of weeks. I can't exactly remember how long it took as the next few weeks were a bit of a blur.

So that was the Monday. On the Thursday night I went into hospital to have a c section the next day.

Now I don't know if I have told you this before, but will again, as it relates to this time.

When I was pregnant with Jade in 1990, things went a bit pear shaped. I was due in July, but when I went to my gyno on June 1st, he found that my blood pressure was up and so were my triglycerides. He said I needed to go into hospital for bed rest. I said I couldn't go, as it was our 15th wedding anniversary. We came to a compromise and I would go in after we went out for dinner that night.

In hospital was a girl I went to school with on one side and a friend further down the hall. I split my time visiting them, which ended up with being told that I had have to complete bed rest, pan and all. By the time it came to the morning of the 6th, I was told it was a case of get the baby out or we both not be here to see another day.

I went into surgery, having an epidural the same as I did for Ryan's c section. We were all joking around, as you do in theatre. Next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery and being told I had a girl. I didn't understand what had happened. It turned out that the epidural epidural had been patchy. When they tested it was fine, but when they cut me, I apparently just about went through the ceiling. Of course I don't remember this, since they give you something to forget.

Now not only did this happen, but I had requested a pethidine infusion but was given a morphine one. The problem was that it was faulty and so the whole lot went through instead of a controlled amount. I remember a nurse staying with me and saying that I had to stay awake. They called the anaesthetist who refused to come in - he turned up the following day, saying to me 'Its like cricket. Some days you get a century, other days you get a duck'. To say I was speechless was an understatement. I had the director of nursing and head of the hospital all coming to see me. It had me confused as to why, until my Aunty pointed out, that they were worried I would sue.

On top of all this, Jade was in a humdicrib and I hadn't seen her. My pediatrician came in and went off at them not bringing her down to me. He marched up to the nursery area and unplugged her and wheeled her to my room and plugged her in there.

Now back again to Troy. When getting ready for theatre, all my doctors wanted me to have a general. I insisted that I was having an epidural. One of the main things they were worried about was what my reaction would be if I had a boy, knowing that he could also have DMD. I kept telling them it was fine, I was having a girl. I was convinced I was and everything would be fine. Nothing they could say would make me change my mind.

Lying outside of theatre, waiting to get wheeled in, I started thinking. As they moved me, I told them to stop, I had changed my mind and was going to have a general. You could hear the audible sigh of relief from them.

When I came to, a nurse was there to tell me that I had a boy. From my reaction then, I was probably lucky to have been knocked out. I started to cry and shake and just couldn't seem to stop. They kept me there for a long time, until I calmed.

In my room, they again had a nurse sit with me. This time though because they thought I might harm Troy. I knew I never would, but they had to make sure I suppose.

Knowing that there would be no control over what the results would be, I said that prior to Troy having any testing, I wanted to have his baptism. I wanted it to be a happy day, with no sad faces at it.

After this we had a CPK test done on Troy. It came back inconclusive. It was again done at 6 months, with the same results. Then again at 12 months with the same results. As you can image, by this time I wanted answers once and for all. They redid the test and it came back that he was clear.

Relief flooded through us and we could finally let ourselves get close to and enjoy our baby boy.

Losing weight, giving up smoking and more.

I have now decided I need a waterproof notebook in the shower so when ideas come into my head to write about I can jot them down lol.

How often have you or others you know said "I need to stop smoking" or "I want to lose weight" or "I am going to start my diet"? Heaps I am sure. I know because I was one of these people. And while you say these words, it will not happen.

Now I can hear you thinking to yourself, that plenty of people have said this and its happened. Have they really? Have they really used THOSE words?

I smoked for 32 years. For years I said "I need to stop smoking". I also did the 'setting a date to stop'. I tried the patches, gum, hypnosis etc. And it didn't work.

For years my weight kept going up and I kept saying I had to do something about it. I tried Jenny Craig, Gloria Marshall, dietitians, fad diets, quick start diet (can never eat soup with celery again after this one) and set dates to start and none of it worked.

Now its not just diets or smoking that this applies to, its doing exercise, cleaning cupboards, gardening etc. Anything in life.

You will not achieve these things until you change how you say things and mean it.

For smoking, I woke up one day and said 'I don't want to smoke any more and am not going to'. Now I am not saying it was easy, and even now, nearly 6 years later, I still can get the craving for it. But I made the decision of 'I am not going to do this' and that made it easier.

For losing weight, yes I got the lap band, but it was 'that I am going to lose weight and this is the tool I am going to use'. I knew that it meant that I would have to stop having bread, cake, steak, soft drink  etc but again it was the 'I do not want to have them' thinking that I used.

Now to get to this way of thinking is not as easy as it might appear. Normally there is a reason why the change happens.

For smoking, it was knowing that if I kept smoking I wouldn't be around to share my kids lives with them. I wanted to see them grow older, get married and have kids. I was sick of being sick with chest infections, asthma and everything else going around. So I said I am not going to smoke any more and didn't.

With losing weight, it was embarrassment/shame and forgiving. I was embarrassed about my size and having to get clothes made. When I had the fall, I was embarrassed thinking of how they would have to get the fire brigade in to lift me (well they probably wouldn't have had to do that, but at the time that's how I was thinking). For the forgiving, it was that I could forgive myself for Ryan having DMD. That it wasn't my fault and that if the order of parent passing before child didn't happen, then that was okay and it is how our life is meant to be. I was able to get to this thinking with the help of a psychologist. I wasn't seeing her for weight management, but for grief counselling.

When you see professionals for help with these things, you are normally seeing someone who has never smoked or been overweight. They will give you plans to follow to break the addiction. How many though deal with what is behind why this is a hold on you. If you deal with that, then you are able to finally say 'I am not going to do this' and until you can say this, you will not make it happen.

You have to deal with things in order. You wouldn't get dressed then have a shower, would you? So deal with the underlying problem first, then the rest will fall into place for you. It won't be easy but if it is truly what you want, it is worth it.

Summer of '69

Isn't it funny how the strangest of thoughts come into your head as your laying in bed trying to go to sleep.
Last night when I hoped into bed (and I have no idea where it came from), I remembered back to what would of been grade 2, and having to get dressed as an angel for a Christmas performance. I can't remember if it was a play, or something for a church service, only that I had to dress as an angel. It came back to me, the house we were living in and the layout of the room and me standing having my photo taken. Funny thing is, that I don't think we even have that photo. We also only lived in that house a couple of years, so not like it was a long enough time to remember it all 43 years later.
While remembering this, I also thought about my brother and a kindy play he was in that same year. He was one of the 5 little ducks that went out one day lol. He had a yellow costume, and the hood that was attached to it, had the beak coming out that sat roughly around his forehead.
This was the same year that man walked on the moon and I can remember sitting in the school hall watching it on a tv set. We sat in canvas chairs and it was upstairs. Thinking about it, it might of been above the school, not the hall.
My brother also appeared on Romper Room that year. I recall that he got a brand new metal garage, that had a door that folded in half upwards, so that cars could be put inside. He got this so that he could take in on the show, as they had a show and tell session. My mother, myself and our neighbour Colleen and her two daughters Suzie and Kathy were in the audience. At the story time, we got to sit and listen and be on the show as well.
It was also the year my sister was born. On the day, my Auntie, whose mother was my teacher, came and collected me from school. I can't remember who looked after us while mum was in hospital, or where we went, but I do remember being told I had a sister.
It was the year, which I have spoken about before, that I became scared of heights, that we got a trike for Christmas and we went to Cairns in dad's semi as a family holiday.

As I said - funny what pops into your head when your trying to go to sleep.