New and not so good

Well today I did some new things. I had decided to go on the Brisbane Eye and thought after going on the sky safari at Taronga Zoo that I would be fine. I was going to go on it at night first, as I figured then it wouldn't be so scary. Since we were at South Bank today, we decided to go on it.

I asked the woman when we bought our ticket if it rocked. She said 'no, not unless you make it'. She told me there was an emergency button and if you pushed it, they would get you off. I was nervous, but we got on and I started to take some photos with the camera. I could feel my nerves getting on edge a bit, as it was swaying and figured that I would just look straight ahead and I would be fine.

I took my eyes away from the camera and WHAM it hit me!! Panic surged through my body and I felt like I couldn't breathe. They were stopping us on the top to load in more people. I was gripping Peters hand so I didn't fall. I could only just get out to him 'push the button'. I was paralyzed with fear.

I can't remember it going down, only that when it got to the bottom, I didn't think it was going to stop. There was no way that I could of stayed on it for the 12 minutes you go on it for. I guess at least I can say, I went on it.

When we got off, the green rickshaw bikes were there. One asked if we were interested and so we said yes. Told him to take us where he wanted. lol. We went to GOMA where we had a drink.

Even though these 2 things weren't on my list. They were things I had said I wanted to do. So now we have. Nothing like pushing your comfort zone. While I might not do that again, I will still try to push my boundaries and live life.

God's Will

I was reading a book today that is full of true stories. A lot have to do with stories of faith and miracles.
I class myself as a Christian. I have my beliefs and I respect everyone's right to what they do or don't believe.

One story is about a family that have had a baby that is unable to breathe on his own. He has to have a lot of operations to try and drain fluid from his brain (which isn't fully developed). At different points in the story, doctors and nurses advise the parents that it might be kinder to take him off all machines and let nature take its course.

The mother gets hysterical and abuses them all, saying that he has to stay on the machines and that its not their choice to decide when/if he will die, its God's. Now I haven't finished this story, so do not know whether he lives or not at the moment.

Reading this bit though, made me feel angry. There are probably some deep psychological  reason for this, but on the surface what made me angry was their reason. They did not want doctors playing God and taking him off the machine! Isn't keeping him on the machines playing God?

There are people that will say their reasons for doing/saying things are because of God, but it only seems to be in situations that suit them at the time or as a 'God is in my argument so I am right'. Yes this mother would have acted on fear and would not be thinking clearly, but this has been written years later and the feelings of God is right is still strong in what is in the book.

Yes I know, a very controversial subject lol

Babies and journeys

Now last month I had the post up about how we found out about Ryan having Muscular Dystrophy. This is a follow on from then.

We had spent the 3 weeks from Ryan's blood test, going to specialists and then being told he had to have a muscle biopsy to see what type of MD he had. This ended up being scheduled for February 10th.

On this Monday, we had to take Ryan into St Andrew's private hospital on Wickham Terrace. Ryan would be going in for day surgery. In the ward were a lot of kids having their tonsils or adenoids out. I was trying hard to be brave and strong for our little man. I was fine until he was wheeled to theatre, then I fell apart.

The other mums wondering why this heavily pregnant woman was a blubbering mess, who had to be taken out of the ward by nurses, asked what was wrong. When they were told what Ryan was having done, it wasn't just me upset then, they were as well.

Ryan came through it all fine and I took him home to where our friend Colleen was watching Jade. Ryan was suppose to rest, but the anaesthetic sent him hypo and he just kept running around and wouldn't stay still.

We would not get the results from this for a couple of weeks. I can't exactly remember how long it took as the next few weeks were a bit of a blur.

So that was the Monday. On the Thursday night I went into hospital to have a c section the next day.

Now I don't know if I have told you this before, but will again, as it relates to this time.

When I was pregnant with Jade in 1990, things went a bit pear shaped. I was due in July, but when I went to my gyno on June 1st, he found that my blood pressure was up and so were my triglycerides. He said I needed to go into hospital for bed rest. I said I couldn't go, as it was our 15th wedding anniversary. We came to a compromise and I would go in after we went out for dinner that night.

In hospital was a girl I went to school with on one side and a friend further down the hall. I split my time visiting them, which ended up with being told that I had have to complete bed rest, pan and all. By the time it came to the morning of the 6th, I was told it was a case of get the baby out or we both not be here to see another day.

I went into surgery, having an epidural the same as I did for Ryan's c section. We were all joking around, as you do in theatre. Next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery and being told I had a girl. I didn't understand what had happened. It turned out that the epidural epidural had been patchy. When they tested it was fine, but when they cut me, I apparently just about went through the ceiling. Of course I don't remember this, since they give you something to forget.

Now not only did this happen, but I had requested a pethidine infusion but was given a morphine one. The problem was that it was faulty and so the whole lot went through instead of a controlled amount. I remember a nurse staying with me and saying that I had to stay awake. They called the anaesthetist who refused to come in - he turned up the following day, saying to me 'Its like cricket. Some days you get a century, other days you get a duck'. To say I was speechless was an understatement. I had the director of nursing and head of the hospital all coming to see me. It had me confused as to why, until my Aunty pointed out, that they were worried I would sue.

On top of all this, Jade was in a humdicrib and I hadn't seen her. My pediatrician came in and went off at them not bringing her down to me. He marched up to the nursery area and unplugged her and wheeled her to my room and plugged her in there.

Now back again to Troy. When getting ready for theatre, all my doctors wanted me to have a general. I insisted that I was having an epidural. One of the main things they were worried about was what my reaction would be if I had a boy, knowing that he could also have DMD. I kept telling them it was fine, I was having a girl. I was convinced I was and everything would be fine. Nothing they could say would make me change my mind.

Lying outside of theatre, waiting to get wheeled in, I started thinking. As they moved me, I told them to stop, I had changed my mind and was going to have a general. You could hear the audible sigh of relief from them.

When I came to, a nurse was there to tell me that I had a boy. From my reaction then, I was probably lucky to have been knocked out. I started to cry and shake and just couldn't seem to stop. They kept me there for a long time, until I calmed.

In my room, they again had a nurse sit with me. This time though because they thought I might harm Troy. I knew I never would, but they had to make sure I suppose.

Knowing that there would be no control over what the results would be, I said that prior to Troy having any testing, I wanted to have his baptism. I wanted it to be a happy day, with no sad faces at it.

After this we had a CPK test done on Troy. It came back inconclusive. It was again done at 6 months, with the same results. Then again at 12 months with the same results. As you can image, by this time I wanted answers once and for all. They redid the test and it came back that he was clear.

Relief flooded through us and we could finally let ourselves get close to and enjoy our baby boy.

Losing weight, giving up smoking and more.

I have now decided I need a waterproof notebook in the shower so when ideas come into my head to write about I can jot them down lol.

How often have you or others you know said "I need to stop smoking" or "I want to lose weight" or "I am going to start my diet"? Heaps I am sure. I know because I was one of these people. And while you say these words, it will not happen.

Now I can hear you thinking to yourself, that plenty of people have said this and its happened. Have they really? Have they really used THOSE words?

I smoked for 32 years. For years I said "I need to stop smoking". I also did the 'setting a date to stop'. I tried the patches, gum, hypnosis etc. And it didn't work.

For years my weight kept going up and I kept saying I had to do something about it. I tried Jenny Craig, Gloria Marshall, dietitians, fad diets, quick start diet (can never eat soup with celery again after this one) and set dates to start and none of it worked.

Now its not just diets or smoking that this applies to, its doing exercise, cleaning cupboards, gardening etc. Anything in life.

You will not achieve these things until you change how you say things and mean it.

For smoking, I woke up one day and said 'I don't want to smoke any more and am not going to'. Now I am not saying it was easy, and even now, nearly 6 years later, I still can get the craving for it. But I made the decision of 'I am not going to do this' and that made it easier.

For losing weight, yes I got the lap band, but it was 'that I am going to lose weight and this is the tool I am going to use'. I knew that it meant that I would have to stop having bread, cake, steak, soft drink  etc but again it was the 'I do not want to have them' thinking that I used.

Now to get to this way of thinking is not as easy as it might appear. Normally there is a reason why the change happens.

For smoking, it was knowing that if I kept smoking I wouldn't be around to share my kids lives with them. I wanted to see them grow older, get married and have kids. I was sick of being sick with chest infections, asthma and everything else going around. So I said I am not going to smoke any more and didn't.

With losing weight, it was embarrassment/shame and forgiving. I was embarrassed about my size and having to get clothes made. When I had the fall, I was embarrassed thinking of how they would have to get the fire brigade in to lift me (well they probably wouldn't have had to do that, but at the time that's how I was thinking). For the forgiving, it was that I could forgive myself for Ryan having DMD. That it wasn't my fault and that if the order of parent passing before child didn't happen, then that was okay and it is how our life is meant to be. I was able to get to this thinking with the help of a psychologist. I wasn't seeing her for weight management, but for grief counselling.

When you see professionals for help with these things, you are normally seeing someone who has never smoked or been overweight. They will give you plans to follow to break the addiction. How many though deal with what is behind why this is a hold on you. If you deal with that, then you are able to finally say 'I am not going to do this' and until you can say this, you will not make it happen.

You have to deal with things in order. You wouldn't get dressed then have a shower, would you? So deal with the underlying problem first, then the rest will fall into place for you. It won't be easy but if it is truly what you want, it is worth it.

Summer of '69

Isn't it funny how the strangest of thoughts come into your head as your laying in bed trying to go to sleep.
Last night when I hoped into bed (and I have no idea where it came from), I remembered back to what would of been grade 2, and having to get dressed as an angel for a Christmas performance. I can't remember if it was a play, or something for a church service, only that I had to dress as an angel. It came back to me, the house we were living in and the layout of the room and me standing having my photo taken. Funny thing is, that I don't think we even have that photo. We also only lived in that house a couple of years, so not like it was a long enough time to remember it all 43 years later.
While remembering this, I also thought about my brother and a kindy play he was in that same year. He was one of the 5 little ducks that went out one day lol. He had a yellow costume, and the hood that was attached to it, had the beak coming out that sat roughly around his forehead.
This was the same year that man walked on the moon and I can remember sitting in the school hall watching it on a tv set. We sat in canvas chairs and it was upstairs. Thinking about it, it might of been above the school, not the hall.
My brother also appeared on Romper Room that year. I recall that he got a brand new metal garage, that had a door that folded in half upwards, so that cars could be put inside. He got this so that he could take in on the show, as they had a show and tell session. My mother, myself and our neighbour Colleen and her two daughters Suzie and Kathy were in the audience. At the story time, we got to sit and listen and be on the show as well.
It was also the year my sister was born. On the day, my Auntie, whose mother was my teacher, came and collected me from school. I can't remember who looked after us while mum was in hospital, or where we went, but I do remember being told I had a sister.
It was the year, which I have spoken about before, that I became scared of heights, that we got a trike for Christmas and we went to Cairns in dad's semi as a family holiday.

As I said - funny what pops into your head when your trying to go to sleep.

Humerous moments etched forever in my memory.

As a parent of now adult children, you look back at the journey you have all travelled and the things that stand out the most are the little funny things that happened along the way.  Its those moments of complete innocence at times, that give you the memories you will bring out at their 21^st.

My children are Ryan, Jade and Troy, born in that order with 40 months from first to last.

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I still remember the complete look of horror on my husband’s face, when he went into Troy’s room when he was still in nappies. My son had taken off his poopy disposable nappy and painted – his cot, the walls, himself and anything else he could touch. Put your hand up if you have been through this. I bet a heap of you have and when you finally cleaned up the mess, saw the funny side of it as well.

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When the oldest two  Ryan and Jade  were about 3 and 4, they were having a shower together in our ensuite. I was in the bedroom and could hear them talking. Ryan, did a wee in the shower. He turned to Jade and asked her how she weed. She told him that it came from a hole and proceeded to wee as well. Meanwhile Ryan was crouching down, watching and quite loudly proclaimed ‘I see where it comes from’. Needless to say I had to control the fits of laughter that were threatening to explode from me.  The innocence of it all.

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When Troy was born, Jade was 20 months old and still had a dummy.  I brought her brother home from hospital and she took one look at him with a dummy and threw hers away, saying with as much determination that a 2 foot tall little girl could, ‘I am NOT a baby, I DON’T need a dummy’. And yes she never did have one again.  

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One Christmas the three of them had been particularly naughty. When they woke up Christmas morning, they found a note on the big present for them all. It told them that Santa had come, but knew they hadn’t been good lately. It asked them to behave from then on. Their eyes were huge like saucers. Each Christmas they still bring up the letter and how ‘Santa’ wrote to them and have a giggle about it.

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The story they tell about their childhood has to do with me getting hurt. Ryan had hermit crabs. They loved playing with them and caring for them. They would put the crabs on the floor for them to run around. This particular day, I picked up the crab to hand it back, to go in its container. It was sitting on my palm, when all of a sudden it gave a death grip onto me with its claws. No amount of shaking, running water on it, or pulling would get it off. The kids had to run to the toilets since they were laughing so much. The crab finally let go, but not before it took a hunk of skin off.

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Forget super nanny, I was using time out well before she came along. Only thing was that I didn't use the minute per age time, I used the wait until mummy calms down time. The kids would have to stand with their noses to the wall, all spaced out. They weren't allowed to talk and had to stay until I said they could move. It was better here since if they went to their rooms they had toys to play with. This way they knew they were naughty. 

Only problem was that one day I forgot they were there and after about 30 to 45 mins they asked if they could move. Its another thing they laugh about.

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With our life the way it is, we use humour a lot to cope. Some people can get shocked by our dark sense of humour that we have. One instance was when Peter's dad passed away. Peter went into Lowes to buy a suit. They were on special, so Ryan said he would buy one as well and could wear it to the funeral and when he dies. I made the comment ' We will have to check its a flammable suit'. We were laughing, but the sales woman was horrified. 

Another common comment in our family is that Ryan is going to buy a memory foam pillow. Its so that my hand prints will be in it when I smother him because he has driven me mad.

There is also the times I tell him it would be fun to put him on the time of our hill on free wheel and let him pretend to be a crash test dummy.

Ryan in turn says that when I die, they will play ding dong the witch is dead. 

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There are many, many more stories like these. Your children grow up so quickly and moments are memories to treasure. You don’t tend to remember when they were naughty, but you do remember the funny moments that you enjoyed.

Start a blog when they are young and put every funny little thing they do in it. When they are older you can print it out and have it bound as a gift to them. Can’t you just see the surprise on their faces when presented with happy childhood memories that they can share with their children?

weighty issues

Last night I was talking to someone who has had lap band done as well. He said some things which I have never voiced, but that has played and in a sense still plays on my mind.

He said that when he was at the 236kgs, he would only go to places to eat that had chairs with no sides. In fact all places he would think about the chairs, as he was scared of getting stuck in one.

While I have never voiced this until now, I too had those concerns. I wouldn't go to musicals as I felt that I encroached on the next person space. It also would run through my mind that I might get stuck and how embarrassing that would be. Its why I always book end seats where possible for shows even now. That way, I can lean to the empty side to give the person next to me space.

I wouldn't go for a massage, as I know the tables have weight restrictions and worried I would break it. I would never go to somewhere that I needed to change shoes to ones that laced up, because I couldn't tie them. I certainly wasn't going to ask anyone else to do it for me - except for family at home.

I wouldn't go out much, due to difficulties with some personal hygiene. Going out to eat, would mean sitting there, thinking that everyone was looking to see what the fat girl was getting to eat.

I won't wear an tops with no sleeves, unless I am around the house. My arms are terrible and huge. I make sure that if I do happen to be in a place where others can see me in my swimwear, that I am covered until that last minute of getting in the water and my towel is right beside the steps to grab when getting out.

People might say not to let what others thing get to you. But really, think about it. How many times have you been out and seen a person with crop top and muffin top over hipster jeans and commented on how wrong it looks? Or it might be someone covered in tattoos, giant holes in their ears, see through clothing, or even something simple like a black bra under a white top. How many times have you thought that someone needed to iron their clothes, wash their clothes, or that their skirt was too long, too short etc? People judge others. Its a fact and I know no one who doesn't do it.

What I do, is to try and make myself look less disgusting to others that might see me. I now am going for massages. Yes I still feel like a blob, but know that I am of a safe weight for their tables. Most of the times now, I can do my shoes up - only can't when my back is giving me hell. I am going to shows and musicals as well. I still feel self conscious, but not as much.

On the biggest loser recently (a show I think is wrong on so many levels), they did make a comment that I think a lot of people might of just fobbed off. It was about being too big to be operated on in a hospital if something serious happened to you. People might not realize how true this is. When I first decided on getting the band, I researched and decided on the doctor I wanted to do it. I got a referral to him and went along. He really wanted to do the operation, but the hospital he worked in, had a weight limit. They went on bmi (from memory it was around 45 or 50 bmi). I was 60+ bmi, so they wouldn't take me. Prior to this, when I had been taken to hospital for what they thought was my heart, the ambulance guys asked me how much I weighed, as they had a weight limit on the trolleys.

While I am a lot thinner, and can now go just about anywhere to buy clothes, I am on the inside still an extremely fat person. Even though I look in the mirror each day to comb my hair, I don't look in the mirror at my body. That happens very rarely. I am my biggest critic and my mind set still needs a lot of work on it.