I have written a lot about the pass, so thought maybe I should write about something now before I forget and it becomes the past.
The older I get the more unsettled I become. I don't know if that is the right word for it. Its a combination of feelings. I guess loneliness is one. Yes I have some great friends, but my main communication with anyone apart from family is through the net. I don't regret any of the choices I have made in regards to family, but I don't get to see others very often. When the kids were younger and at school or sport, that meant that every week, hell nearly every day seeing other adults and talking to them, even if it was just a quick 'hi'. Now I have a once a month meeting. Every Thursday seems to get so full of appointments I don't get to be able to see anyone then and weekends occasionally I have something on with friends, but they also have their families they need to catch up with since they all work. Unless someone is here with Ryan, I can't even just pop up to the shop.
Another feeling is resentment. This is the time in our lives that we had set aside to be able to do the things we wanted. To travel, get out and do the 'adult things' that so many parents put on hold until their kids are grown. It would be nice to just be able to say 'lets go out for dinner tonight' and go or even when you see an expo on that day that you didn't know about. It all takes strategic planning and not spur of the moment. Most of the time we can't do things together as a couple. My resentment is not towards Ryan, but towards the situation we are in.
And along with those feelings comes anger, sadness, and a lot of negativity.
On the flip side, our situation has also given us the black humour that we have. Lots of laughter and a lot of things we would never have experienced in life. We would never have gone to the Sydney Olympics or to the amazing holiday house on the Gold Coast or unit on the Sunshine Coast, if it wasn't for Ryan. If I wasn't sitting at home using the net to talk to the outside world, I would never have met some of the totally amazing people I have..... or the full on fruit cakes haha.
I have found that also the older I get, the less tolerant I am. I tend to say things and be up front with people, and some can find that confronting. I need to find a happy medium with myself. I need to get back into reading for relaxation. On a side note here - I don't buy any of the magazines, but I love going to the Dr's and reading them. They are normally months old and the crap they write in them, never seems to happen eg such and such is so happy in their marriage - and they are already divorced when you read it lol.
Anyway back to what I need to do. Meditate again, oh and maybe just run away from home. lol
Thursday, 10 November 2011
empty nest
No one can say that being a parent is all fun and games. It is hard work and dedication to your children. There is laughter, tears, fun and times that you think “I love you but just don’t like you at the moment”.
I started my life as a parent on 24 hour call. Changing nappies, feeding, bathing, burping and cleaning up the projectile vomiting that made the exorcist look like a kid’s movie. No one told me that the 24 hour call never stopped.
I moved onto play dates, kindy, preschool and school. Mornings were a rush to get dressed, fed and school early for band or choir practice. Pick up from school was dancing, soccer training, and other sports. During the day was tuckshop, reading in classrooms and helping with where ever I was needed in the school. Weekends full of sport or going to eisteddfods.
So that’s the first 17 years!
I was always there to lend an ear, guide when it was needed and yes to scold and be the “bad” mum. They had smacks and cuddles, time out and fun times.
Then suddenly they are gone!
When they first go, you get the daily phone calls and get asked for advice. That tapers off and you get asked things sometimes. While you were once their confidant, it is now their partner. And while this is how it should be, you are now left with time and that big empty feeling.
All those years of wishing you had time for yourself is now here. But what the hell do you do now you have this time? There are only so many treatments you can get. You find that your friends are at different stages to you – they may have not been stay at home mums and work, or they might still have children at home and are busy with them. Going to courses by yourself seems so daunting and you feel too old to learn and compete with the younger generation.
You also start to think ‘were those women that gave you “that look” when you said you were a stay-at-home mum right?’ Should I have done more for myself and not been there for the kids?
Then I think of how happy they were when they competed in a game or eisteddfod. I also remember how happy other people’s children were that someone could take them because their parents were working and unable to get time off. And I think ‘no I wouldn’t trade it at all’.
So the feeling of a big empty hole doesn’t seem so deep now. And as I was writing this my baby boy rang me – he is 19 – asking if I could do something for him and yes! I am still needed and as he told me, appreciated.
I will find something for me to fill my time, but being a mum will always be number one, even if it is just in a revived, slightly smaller way.
Babysitting - autobiography
Its funny how things come to you at the strangest of times. Cleaning the carpet this morning and my mind wandering, I thought about my brother and sister. Most times when thinking of them, its remembering of when we were kids.
My sister is 7 years younger than me. We never had anything in common or ever did anything together. My brother was 2 years younger, so being closer in age we did do some things together. We use to ride dad's motorbike, ride our horses and had some of the same friends.
What I remember most though is the Christmas I was in year 7, so 1974. Dad was driving cement trucks at this stage and mum worked at Coward's butcher shop in Nicholas Street. That left us 3 kids at home by ourselves, with me having to look after the other two. If we did anything wrong, my sister would dob. Maybe that is why I did what I did. I locked her in the laundry and told her she was a black pom and couldn't come out until she scrubbed all the paint off. Of course she was let out before mum got home and dobbed.
I can't remember the other two ever getting the strap. I guess they did, but I can't recall any time they did. I do however remember getting it. Seemed like a week didn't go by that I had it wrapped around my bum. I got to the stage of putting on about 8 pairs of undies so it wouldn't hurt. It still did though.
I had to look after my sister every holidays then until I started work in 1978. Even then, once I had my licence my parents would go away for weekends, leaving me in charge of the other two and having to run them around. They did something wrong and I got into trouble for it, I did something wrong and I got into trouble for it. What a win/win situation for me!
When I had my kids, I was very careful not to put this type of responsibility on them. I didn't want them to have to spend their time looking after each other. They had their different friends, hobbies and sports. I also guess that is why - apart from Ryan - that I never went back to work. I wanted to be there for sports days, after school and for them to partake in activities that weren't just on weekends. They didn't turn out perfect by any means, but they know I am here if they need me. This has reminded me to post a story about empty nest I wrote a couple of months ago. lol
My sister is 7 years younger than me. We never had anything in common or ever did anything together. My brother was 2 years younger, so being closer in age we did do some things together. We use to ride dad's motorbike, ride our horses and had some of the same friends.
What I remember most though is the Christmas I was in year 7, so 1974. Dad was driving cement trucks at this stage and mum worked at Coward's butcher shop in Nicholas Street. That left us 3 kids at home by ourselves, with me having to look after the other two. If we did anything wrong, my sister would dob. Maybe that is why I did what I did. I locked her in the laundry and told her she was a black pom and couldn't come out until she scrubbed all the paint off. Of course she was let out before mum got home and dobbed.
I can't remember the other two ever getting the strap. I guess they did, but I can't recall any time they did. I do however remember getting it. Seemed like a week didn't go by that I had it wrapped around my bum. I got to the stage of putting on about 8 pairs of undies so it wouldn't hurt. It still did though.
I had to look after my sister every holidays then until I started work in 1978. Even then, once I had my licence my parents would go away for weekends, leaving me in charge of the other two and having to run them around. They did something wrong and I got into trouble for it, I did something wrong and I got into trouble for it. What a win/win situation for me!
When I had my kids, I was very careful not to put this type of responsibility on them. I didn't want them to have to spend their time looking after each other. They had their different friends, hobbies and sports. I also guess that is why - apart from Ryan - that I never went back to work. I wanted to be there for sports days, after school and for them to partake in activities that weren't just on weekends. They didn't turn out perfect by any means, but they know I am here if they need me. This has reminded me to post a story about empty nest I wrote a couple of months ago. lol
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Charity work - autobiography
At school I use to do some door knocking and collections for charity. Don't ask me which one though as I can't remember lol.
After Ryan was diagnosed though, I did a lot more. When he was first diagnosed we had Care and Concern from St Mary's come and help with his physio. Then of course there was Montrose Access (who at the time was called Montrose home for crippled children), who supplied his physio, occupational and speech therapists, along with social worker. It cost nothing for this service.
I felt that I had to give back to the community. Most of it was probably guilt based, due to being told at the time I was a carrier for the DMD gene. So to me, helping outside the house was me putting karma out there as a sort of forgiveness. Yes I know, stupid way to think, but at that time I was not thinking rationally. In fact for the next god knows how many years I didn't think clearly haha.
First to receive my help was Lifeline telephone counselling service. I really enjoyed this and did it for about 3 years. What happened for me to stop, was burn out. I started out with 1 shift a fortnight, on a Sunday night from 4 until 10pm. That changed to weekly and because I couldn't say no when asked to fill in, it ended up as 3 shifts on a lot of weeks. While listening to people talk and helping them in the right direction was great, it took its toll eventually. I seemed to work every father's day, which I hated, as it would break my heart when men would ring in tears because they weren't allowed to see their children by the mothers. I also seemed to get Christmas night, which was people upset at not seeing family - mainly the elderly. I also did some overnight shifts. These were the hardest as calls were from people in physical pain, usual from something terminal and also those that were lonely. Its not the type of work that you get happy calls.
By this time, the kids were at school. I spent the next 11 years doing tuckshop, 9 years on the p & c committee as QCPCA rep, bookshop convenor, vice president and president. I also did classroom reading, swimming and anything else that was needed.
In 1998 Ryan put in his wish with Starlight Children's Foundation. Once it was in, I then joined them as a wish volunteer. I use to be given a case and would have to meet with the child, find out what their top 3 all time things they would like to do/have was, then go about trying to get number 1. I lost count of the number of children whose lives I brightened. Things were not just small. For example one child asked for a cubby house. The one I ended up getting for him was off the ground, with a sandpit underneath, steps and a cargo net to get up into it, a swing set off the side and a slide out the back. Another girl had never had a birthday party and at 5 didn't have long to live. I had 2 weeks to organize it and held it at the local school. It had dodgems, giant slide, pony rides, face painting, magician, merry go round, pizza, ice cream cake, fairies and a telly tubby costume for her to wear. To see her face was just magical. The best part of doing the wishes was that most companies donated the items, or did them at a very low cost.
I also helped Starlight in their first Qld starlight room when it was built at the Mater hospital, delivered easter eggs to the 2 Ipswich hospitals children's wards and stood on street corners selling merchandise. Again putting so much into what I did, burnt me out, plus I would never claim back any expenses, so money became as issue as well and by around 2003 I had stopped this.
Around this time I was canteen convenor for Ipswich Little Athletics. Volunteering my time since Troy was competing there. When he stopped going there it was a relief not to have to do it lol. It was every Friday night in the canteen, Fridays collecting the food for that night, Thursdays ordering day and I also had to do the high school in the area as well, when they had their sports days there.
Boy I am exhausted just writing this haha.
2004 saw me take over secret santa at EmailCash. September until December was spent with this. I loved it!! I got to know so many people that I wouldn't of otherwise gotten to know. Some people who previously I hadn't even noticed on the site, would email me and we would get to talk and know each other well. I did secret santa for 7 years, the last couple on another site and about 4 secret bunnies. Thousands of cards have been through my house on their way to surprise someone. And over a thousand gifts were exchanged in that time.
I think it finally took until last year (2010) until I decided that I didn't have to pay back the world. Finding out that I wasn't a carrier and that Jade wasn't either probably had a lot to do with it. Now I pick one cause and help them each year, but in a lot more relaxed way.
I don't think I will ever stop, as its still my way of paying back the community for the help we receive. But I am learning to slow down.
Had to add to this today as I remembered more lol. I did some work for CODI, trying to get them some publicity when they were first starting out. I sort of fell into this when I attended Ipswich's first disability expo and got talking to the guys that were on the committee at the time.
I have also spent the past year as secretary for Northern suburbs rugby league club. Jade roped me into this, with her being bar manager there and the club struggling to get people on the committee. Its the one job that I hate to do haha Have already told them I won't do it next year.
After Ryan was diagnosed though, I did a lot more. When he was first diagnosed we had Care and Concern from St Mary's come and help with his physio. Then of course there was Montrose Access (who at the time was called Montrose home for crippled children), who supplied his physio, occupational and speech therapists, along with social worker. It cost nothing for this service.
I felt that I had to give back to the community. Most of it was probably guilt based, due to being told at the time I was a carrier for the DMD gene. So to me, helping outside the house was me putting karma out there as a sort of forgiveness. Yes I know, stupid way to think, but at that time I was not thinking rationally. In fact for the next god knows how many years I didn't think clearly haha.
First to receive my help was Lifeline telephone counselling service. I really enjoyed this and did it for about 3 years. What happened for me to stop, was burn out. I started out with 1 shift a fortnight, on a Sunday night from 4 until 10pm. That changed to weekly and because I couldn't say no when asked to fill in, it ended up as 3 shifts on a lot of weeks. While listening to people talk and helping them in the right direction was great, it took its toll eventually. I seemed to work every father's day, which I hated, as it would break my heart when men would ring in tears because they weren't allowed to see their children by the mothers. I also seemed to get Christmas night, which was people upset at not seeing family - mainly the elderly. I also did some overnight shifts. These were the hardest as calls were from people in physical pain, usual from something terminal and also those that were lonely. Its not the type of work that you get happy calls.
By this time, the kids were at school. I spent the next 11 years doing tuckshop, 9 years on the p & c committee as QCPCA rep, bookshop convenor, vice president and president. I also did classroom reading, swimming and anything else that was needed.
In 1998 Ryan put in his wish with Starlight Children's Foundation. Once it was in, I then joined them as a wish volunteer. I use to be given a case and would have to meet with the child, find out what their top 3 all time things they would like to do/have was, then go about trying to get number 1. I lost count of the number of children whose lives I brightened. Things were not just small. For example one child asked for a cubby house. The one I ended up getting for him was off the ground, with a sandpit underneath, steps and a cargo net to get up into it, a swing set off the side and a slide out the back. Another girl had never had a birthday party and at 5 didn't have long to live. I had 2 weeks to organize it and held it at the local school. It had dodgems, giant slide, pony rides, face painting, magician, merry go round, pizza, ice cream cake, fairies and a telly tubby costume for her to wear. To see her face was just magical. The best part of doing the wishes was that most companies donated the items, or did them at a very low cost.
I also helped Starlight in their first Qld starlight room when it was built at the Mater hospital, delivered easter eggs to the 2 Ipswich hospitals children's wards and stood on street corners selling merchandise. Again putting so much into what I did, burnt me out, plus I would never claim back any expenses, so money became as issue as well and by around 2003 I had stopped this.
Around this time I was canteen convenor for Ipswich Little Athletics. Volunteering my time since Troy was competing there. When he stopped going there it was a relief not to have to do it lol. It was every Friday night in the canteen, Fridays collecting the food for that night, Thursdays ordering day and I also had to do the high school in the area as well, when they had their sports days there.
Boy I am exhausted just writing this haha.
2004 saw me take over secret santa at EmailCash. September until December was spent with this. I loved it!! I got to know so many people that I wouldn't of otherwise gotten to know. Some people who previously I hadn't even noticed on the site, would email me and we would get to talk and know each other well. I did secret santa for 7 years, the last couple on another site and about 4 secret bunnies. Thousands of cards have been through my house on their way to surprise someone. And over a thousand gifts were exchanged in that time.
I think it finally took until last year (2010) until I decided that I didn't have to pay back the world. Finding out that I wasn't a carrier and that Jade wasn't either probably had a lot to do with it. Now I pick one cause and help them each year, but in a lot more relaxed way.
I don't think I will ever stop, as its still my way of paying back the community for the help we receive. But I am learning to slow down.
Had to add to this today as I remembered more lol. I did some work for CODI, trying to get them some publicity when they were first starting out. I sort of fell into this when I attended Ipswich's first disability expo and got talking to the guys that were on the committee at the time.
I have also spent the past year as secretary for Northern suburbs rugby league club. Jade roped me into this, with her being bar manager there and the club struggling to get people on the committee. Its the one job that I hate to do haha Have already told them I won't do it next year.
Monday, 7 November 2011
Daily struggle
Lately I am finding I am craving milk drinks. The problem is that they tend to build up phlegm in me, which in turn means that it causes my food to get stuck and I throw up. Gross I know but its mainly phlegm and what ever is behind it.
I am also at the invisible stuck line where I am just about to go into another bracket. It happened from the 50's to the 40's and to the 30's and the 20's and the teens and is now happening for the tens. I am determined that it will happen this month. Its just a pain not being able to exercise atm.
Now I hear you ask, why am I not exercising. When I did the charity walk I damaged t9 and t10 in my back and it is now seizing up when I do the slightest of things. After a ct scan I have been told to rest it for 3 months. Yeah right!! And who will look after Ryan when Peter is at work... oh the carer fairies haha.
Next week I am going to see the plastic surgeon to see what the cost is to get my arms done and what he wants me down to for it to happen.
Going to try and organize myself to write more on this and my autobiography which has sadly been forgotten, although on here.
Oh and also now have a twitter account @kerrieczernia
Oh and also now have a twitter account @kerrieczernia
Night for now. :)
Monday, 15 August 2011
lapband - nov 2010
Well I had another fill. I had been putting it off since I am having a lot of dental work done and you need good teeth to chew, chew, chew. But as I said to my surgeon I can always blend it.
I have had to go back on nexium. The burning in my throat from burping was terrible. It is one of the side effects of the band being tight.
As you might have seen I reached one of my goals, which was to get a pair of jeans. I was so happy, esp since they were a 24 and with a BELT. No elastic in sight!!!! I also got some shorts in a 22 that fitted. When I started all this I was 32+
Because I mainly eat fish and chicken I have been doing a lot of experimenting with recipes, which I have to say I am enjoying for a change.
We are going on holidays soon and I might even be tempted to go swimming :)
I have had to go back on nexium. The burning in my throat from burping was terrible. It is one of the side effects of the band being tight.
As you might have seen I reached one of my goals, which was to get a pair of jeans. I was so happy, esp since they were a 24 and with a BELT. No elastic in sight!!!! I also got some shorts in a 22 that fitted. When I started all this I was 32+
Because I mainly eat fish and chicken I have been doing a lot of experimenting with recipes, which I have to say I am enjoying for a change.
We are going on holidays soon and I might even be tempted to go swimming :)
lapband - oct 2010
I had a fill yesterday. Needed one about 4 weeks ago, but I am having a heap of dental work done and wanted to wait. Problem is the dentist is doing one tooth at a time and I have apts until December.
Now have I said before that you need good teeth to have the lapband. One thing you have to do is chew, chew, chew your food. With painful teeth, that doesn't happen. The dr asked if I was sure I wanted a fill and I said yep even if I have to blend my food before eating. I had only lost just over 1kg since I saw him in August due to eating bigger meals.
I am now able to buy clothes at regular shops such as kmart or 1626 etc. That feels so good. The dr yesterday said that when I get to 100kgs he is sending me to the surgeon to see about getting all the excess skin cut off. While excited about this, I am also very nervous about the pain. He has said they could probably do everything I want done at the same time - arms, boobs, stomach. I was talking to someone and they had 20kgs of skin removed. :O
Even after over a year its still hard to get use to some of the things you have to do. When out with friends and esp talking you want to have a drink, but if you do while eating, I find I throw up. Funny how a lifetime of habits are hard to break.
I have been experimenting with recipes lately. Since I no longer have steak, bread etc and eat mainly chicken and fish, its becoming a challenge to cook different dishes. So far they have all gone down well here at home with the family so thats a plus lol.
I have more energy, well when not tired haha and am enjoying doing things I couldn't do before.
One of the things I am aiming for in the next month, is to practice getting on and off the floor. I know, sounds a simple thing, but something I haven't done in over 2 years. I want to do this so that when we go on holidays I can use the spa.
I can now put my socks on and do my shoes up without help. All things people take for granted except when your obese.
Anyway thats this months update. I will let you know how I get on with the spa :)
Now have I said before that you need good teeth to have the lapband. One thing you have to do is chew, chew, chew your food. With painful teeth, that doesn't happen. The dr asked if I was sure I wanted a fill and I said yep even if I have to blend my food before eating. I had only lost just over 1kg since I saw him in August due to eating bigger meals.
I am now able to buy clothes at regular shops such as kmart or 1626 etc. That feels so good. The dr yesterday said that when I get to 100kgs he is sending me to the surgeon to see about getting all the excess skin cut off. While excited about this, I am also very nervous about the pain. He has said they could probably do everything I want done at the same time - arms, boobs, stomach. I was talking to someone and they had 20kgs of skin removed. :O
Even after over a year its still hard to get use to some of the things you have to do. When out with friends and esp talking you want to have a drink, but if you do while eating, I find I throw up. Funny how a lifetime of habits are hard to break.
I have been experimenting with recipes lately. Since I no longer have steak, bread etc and eat mainly chicken and fish, its becoming a challenge to cook different dishes. So far they have all gone down well here at home with the family so thats a plus lol.
I have more energy, well when not tired haha and am enjoying doing things I couldn't do before.
One of the things I am aiming for in the next month, is to practice getting on and off the floor. I know, sounds a simple thing, but something I haven't done in over 2 years. I want to do this so that when we go on holidays I can use the spa.
I can now put my socks on and do my shoes up without help. All things people take for granted except when your obese.
Anyway thats this months update. I will let you know how I get on with the spa :)
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